Agreements & Requests
Transformational Life Coaching - Heal the Heart of the Matter
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An effective agreement requires:
• A speaker • A listener • Clear criteria • A time agreement • Clear acknowledgment by all parties • A record of the agreement |
A problematic agreement usually involves:
• Unclear criteria • Pressure tactics • Reluctant party or parties • Failure to get clear acknowledgment • Failure to ground it in time • Failure to record the agreement • Failure to renegotiate when appropriate |
When you make an agreement, you are promising that in the future, “It will happen,” or “You can count on it.” You are saying that you have or can acquire whatever is necessary to complete the agreement and are taking the action necessary to fulfill the agreement.
You are also saying that if your relationship to the agreement shifts from, “It will be done,” to anything else, such as, “I hope it will be done,” or, “Maybe it will be done,” or, “It won’t happen,” you will immediately inform the person or persons with whom you have made the agreement and sort out the necessary course of action.
This will often lead you to seeing a new pathway for fulfilling the agreement and as a result you will be able to recover you stand that, “It will happen.”
Other outcomes may be a renegotiating of the time frame or criteria required, obtaining more support or resources to accomplish the task, or an agreement to revoke the commitment.
All agreements should be kept or renegotiated.
Knowing how to change an agreement is important. Sometimes in the course of fulfilling an agreement you realize it isn’t really forwarding to the larger mission (it could even be damaging). Or, due to changes in the circumstances the timing is no longer fitting. When this happens it is important to immediately consult the person or persons with whom you made the agreement and discuss with them the appropriateness of the commitment. Communicating any changes you want to make in an agreement well in advance of its completion time is essential, as there are always consequences for broken agreements.
Be watchful about making agreements you don’t want to make. This is often the result of our being requested to do something we do not want to do. In our attempt to appease, please or avoid conflict we will make a commitment that either doesn’t forward our larger vision, doesn’t fit the current situation or that we aren’t fully committed to fulfilling. Being able to decline and make effective counter-offers are critical skills to develop if you want to be reliable regarding agreements. Only make agreements you truly want to make. Once you have made an agreement, do everything in your power to keep it
TWO FORMULAS FOR HANDLING A BROKEN AGREEMENT
WHAT HAPPY SUCCESSFUL PEOPLE DO:
WHAT UNHAPPY, UNSUCCESSFUL PEOPLE DO:
Communicate about agreements without becoming self-righteous, blaming or condemning the other person. An agreement is between two people. Look at your own part. Ask yourself, “What is it about me or what is it between us that is causing a broken agreement?” Approach it from a place of curiosity and wonder. Become self-referenced regarding your own integrity. Don’t base it upon other people’s integrity. Often we operate from, “Well, if he doesn’t keep his agreements, why should I?” There is great personal value and reward in honoring agreements and being in integrity regardless of what anyone else decides to do. Make only those agreements you want to make and intend to keep, and keep them.
For a PDF of this handout, download here.
You are also saying that if your relationship to the agreement shifts from, “It will be done,” to anything else, such as, “I hope it will be done,” or, “Maybe it will be done,” or, “It won’t happen,” you will immediately inform the person or persons with whom you have made the agreement and sort out the necessary course of action.
This will often lead you to seeing a new pathway for fulfilling the agreement and as a result you will be able to recover you stand that, “It will happen.”
Other outcomes may be a renegotiating of the time frame or criteria required, obtaining more support or resources to accomplish the task, or an agreement to revoke the commitment.
All agreements should be kept or renegotiated.
Knowing how to change an agreement is important. Sometimes in the course of fulfilling an agreement you realize it isn’t really forwarding to the larger mission (it could even be damaging). Or, due to changes in the circumstances the timing is no longer fitting. When this happens it is important to immediately consult the person or persons with whom you made the agreement and discuss with them the appropriateness of the commitment. Communicating any changes you want to make in an agreement well in advance of its completion time is essential, as there are always consequences for broken agreements.
Be watchful about making agreements you don’t want to make. This is often the result of our being requested to do something we do not want to do. In our attempt to appease, please or avoid conflict we will make a commitment that either doesn’t forward our larger vision, doesn’t fit the current situation or that we aren’t fully committed to fulfilling. Being able to decline and make effective counter-offers are critical skills to develop if you want to be reliable regarding agreements. Only make agreements you truly want to make. Once you have made an agreement, do everything in your power to keep it
TWO FORMULAS FOR HANDLING A BROKEN AGREEMENT
WHAT HAPPY SUCCESSFUL PEOPLE DO:
- Acknowledge the broken agreement (recognize and communicate it).
- Find out what needs to be done to fix it.
- Does that.
WHAT UNHAPPY, UNSUCCESSFUL PEOPLE DO:
- Create a story of non-ownership (make excuses, blame others).
- Ignore it (hope no one notices).
- Get defensive.
- Create a smokescreen. Ex: Fire off a barrage of complaints you’ve been withholding.
- Find fault with the way the message was delivered. Or, find a technicality that isn’t true about it and focus on that. Ex: “You’re 10 minutes late.” “No, I’m not. I’m only 8 minutes late,” or, “I don’t’ like your tone of voice!”
- Compound the problem. Ex: Say the check is in the mail when it isn’t. These are escalating ways of digging yourself in deeper.
- Execute the messenger.
Communicate about agreements without becoming self-righteous, blaming or condemning the other person. An agreement is between two people. Look at your own part. Ask yourself, “What is it about me or what is it between us that is causing a broken agreement?” Approach it from a place of curiosity and wonder. Become self-referenced regarding your own integrity. Don’t base it upon other people’s integrity. Often we operate from, “Well, if he doesn’t keep his agreements, why should I?” There is great personal value and reward in honoring agreements and being in integrity regardless of what anyone else decides to do. Make only those agreements you want to make and intend to keep, and keep them.
For a PDF of this handout, download here.
